Have you ever began a new romantic relationship and felt the urge to nail down a commitment as soon as possible? Maybe you have watched a friend rush through an engagement as if the relationship would surely end without “tying the knot”. What is the reason for this madness?! I would suggest to you that we have an issue with our own worthiness to receive love. Many of us have a deep-rooted fear of being inadequate as soon as our loved one gets wind of who we really are.
Relationships can be wonderful experiences but they almost inevitably bring pain with them. My theory about this is relationships serve the purpose of holding up a mirror and calling us to come face to face with our own worthiness. Just as any physical illness or emotional pain becomes louder and louder until we learn to love ourselves a little better, so relationships invite us to embrace our worthiness of love.
If you ask most people about what is most meaningful about life, it is likely you will hear a response involving marriage or a committed relationship. Many of us are afraid to end up alone and deeply desire companionship. We want to intimately share our lives. Curiously, we seem to behave in many strange ways when we are faced with the possibility of love and affection. We go too fast. We sabotage. We compete. We doubt. Why? Because we struggle with receiving the very love that we have sought with all our hearts.
So what is it about receiving love that gets us all flighty and weird? Perhaps we struggle with believing we deserve it. There is a reason we may feel conflicted when we receive a compliment or a gift of any sort. There is a reason we try to earn affection. If you relate to this, you may have a root of unworthiness to confront.
The truth is, we are all worthy of love, period. As much as we try to earn it, we can never deserve it more or less. This is because our value is inherent, not acquired. When we come from a strong belief of worthiness, we become capable of receiving love because we don’t have to question whether or not we deserve to have it. This is the struggle we find when we “fall in love”. We are so happy to have attracted a person to love, but then struggle with truly “having” that relationship. The mindset of worthiness must shift before we can ever hope to have and enjoy love.
How to raise your awareness of your own worthiness:
1. Catch yourself when you think you need to work harder.
Ever find yourself thinking “I will be ready for that (insert thing I want) when I do xyz” or “I just need to work harder so that I can have xyz”? This is a red flag indicating that we are trying to earn our worthiness for the lifestyle we wish to live. In order to improve this mindset, set a few affirmations stating your worthiness of living your dreams now, without any additional actions.
2. Observe your comfort level with doing nothing.
Your ability to sit still has a lot to say about your internal “worthiness meter”. Those of us that just can’t sit still and tend toward being a workaholic would do well to examine their ability to feel content with simply being. Our belief in our inherent value can be shown through our ease in being alone, being still, and lack of attachment to our achievements. This does not mean there is no value in achievement and action, but simply emphasizes the fact that our foundation of inherent value exists regardless. If you struggle with compulsive work, practice slowing down and intentionally sitting still.
3. Take time to self reflect.
When you receive something you truly love, do you accept it well? A great indicator of our beliefs about worthiness is our behavior. If you find that when you have a relationship, you sabotage it, criticize it, or rush through it, examine your core beliefs about your worthiness to have and keep a great relationship. The same idea goes for having a great job, home, car, bank account, etc. If you find yourself having trouble attracting or keeping these things, take a look at your beliefs about what you deserve. Consider writing a few affirmations to raise your acceptance about the fact that you deserve to have your deepest and wildest dreams fulfilled.
I’d love to hear about how your own beliefs have affected your ability to have your dreams. What has your discovery of self-worthiness looked like? Please share in the comments below!
Jillian Landis is a Self-Care and Empowerment Coach at Evolve Personal Coaching, blogger, and writer for Nourish + Bloom. Jillian's passion is encouraging individuals to love and care for themselves deeply, so they may serve this world at their greatest potential. Prior to coaching, Jillian served in the mental health profession for 10 years and has a vast knowledge of human behavior, which she utilizes to create effective change in the lives of her clients.