I'm Not "LUCKY"

As I sat next to my Love as he woke up from surgery, I was struck by all the feels.

The hospital was a place I was not a stranger to.

I have had many loved ones who have struggled with addiction, which seems to go hand in hand with frequent visits to the ER.

Back pain.

Seizures.

Injuries.

Over doses.

Pancreatitis.

Autoimmune diseases.

Gunshot wounds.

Mental breakdowns.

I got TIRED of being at the hospital.

I was often DEEPLY EMBARRASSED when I was at the hospital. I was “the woman” who was with HIM. And HE was usually overdramatizing, complaining, being rude, lying to hospital staff, and blatantly seeking drugs. I wanted to shrink and disappear, knowing my partner was a “difficult” patient, throwing tantrums and breaking down every boundary and rule he could.

The hospital was the one place I could not hide. Everyone’s true colors were vivid and unconcealable.

I eventually refused to drive to the hospital in the middle of the night. I would call him an ambulance so I could go to work in the morning and avoid the inevitable fight that would break out when I refused to lie about how much medicine he had already had, or medical history, or drug history, or whatever else I was supposed to say…

I was ashamed of my decision to be with a partner who so obviously abused the medical system and didn’t care who he harmed. I was ashamed of his behavior toward those who were trying to serve him. I was embarrassed he measured the quality of a hospital by the degree to which he could take advantage of their kindness. I just couldn’t be there to witness it. It was a terrible feeling and completely out of alignment with my own values and desires.

So today, I was struck by my experience. Once again, I was in a hospital. The nurse asked if I was in the medical field because of the obvious knowledge I had about medication and recovering. The memory of how I had received that knowledge stung.

Somehow, the current experience in the hospital was… pleasant? I didn’t have anxiety or fear. I wasn’t shrinking in shame and embarrassment. My partner wasn’t rude or begging for drugs. He was kind and thankful.

Wow. Is this what normal feels like? Is this what PEACE feels like?

It was divine.

I was certainly sad for my partner’s pain and wished for his comfort but so did all of the staff there. They felt his kind spirit the same way I did.

I caught myself thinking I was lucky. I caught myself thinking I had a good man by chance.

But I’m not a lucky woman. I am a woman who stopped reducing her standards. I am a woman who stopped settling for partners with values that didn’t match mine. I am a woman who stopped wishing and started WALKING AWAY from people who simply didn’t fit into my life.

I am a GODDESS. And a Goddess doesn’t settle for anything less than a Divine King.

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