If Only We Can Be....

“He’s an asshole to everyone else but he treats me well because he truly loves me.”

I’ve heard this comment one too many times. It’s the belief behind every “bad boy” relationship.

“If a ‘bad boy’ treats me well, it proves how much I’m loved. It proves I’m ‘good enough’.”

Inevitably, we all eventually find out our “goodness” has nothing to do with how much he will or will not love us. You cannot make someone have a greater capacity for love by being perfect enough. Yet, that is what so many of us crave.

We think, if we can be:

Loving enough

Caring enough

Compassionate enough

Diplomatic enough

Fun enough

Passionate enough

Helpful enough

Peaceful enough

Pretty enough

Healthy enough

Encouraging enough

Supportive enough

Perfect enough

Then…

We will finally be…

Loveable.

So, if the “bad boy” “loves” us it MEANS we are WORTHY OF LOVE.

And then when he STOPS “loving” us, it means we have STOPPED being worthy of love.

Insert: any version of the abuse cycle, which reinforces our deepest fear - we are indeed unloveable. Broken. Worthless. Not good enough.

So, we try harder, desperately hoping loving him harder will bring proof of our worth back.

How does the cycle end?

Hint - it doesn’t have anything to do with HIM. It has EVERYTHING to do with HER and how she is calculating her WORTH. ;-)

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