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Call out SUPPRESSION for what it is.

Updated: Dec 31, 2021

"Stop shaming me.” “It’s too triggering for me to talk about.” “I’ll end up drinking if you talk to me about that.” “Stop focusing on the past - let’s just move on.” “I can’t change what I did. There’s no point in talking about it.” “Talking about it will only cause me pain.” “I don’t even remember what I did. It’s best if it stays that way.” I remember when these words were spoken to me. I remember having a mix of guilt for needing my feelings acknowledged and rage for such selfish disregard for the pain I had endured at his mercy. And for a long time, I felt incredibly alone. Expected to brush all the betrayal, abuse, and cruelty under the rug, I did my best to carry on. I tried to make everything the way it once was. I tried to force our love to go back to normal. But try as I might, I just couldn’t. I felt numb. I felt suppressed. Everything felt fake. My ability to trust was in shambles and there was no recognition that rebuilding was even necessary. And even this, was my own shortcoming. MY trust issues. MY apathy. MY inability to move on and ignore the past. The messages were clear. SHUT UP about the past. LET IT GO. Be glad the verbal assaults, drugs, and unpredictability were over. Be glad you weren’t hurt worse. Don’t BURDEN HIM with the consequences of his actions. What I realize today is it was not only appropriate for me to bring up the threats and cruel remarks, and abuses, it was NECESSARY if any relationship healing could have happened. Open discussion, honesty, accountability, and amends are all nonnegotiable pieces of a healthy relationship. Secrets, smothered feelings, hidden tears, forbidden conversations, and suppression are not earmarks of an ideal relationship. If you are being manipulated by your partner to stop talking about how you are hurting or have been hurt, understand what is happening. You are being asked to let his abusive behavior stay hidden. You are being asked to ignore it. You are being asked to endure your own suffering from his actions, so he doesn’t have to feel any. You are worth more than this. Your feelings are valid. Your resentment and hurt and betrayal are all worth acknowledging and talking about. You’re a Goddess love. Don’t accept anything less than acknowledgement of your divinity and worth.

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