The First Step to Resolving a Conflict

Often, when individuals reach out for help resolving a conflict, they are overwhelmed, exhausted, and paralyzed by the long-term impact of a chronically strained relationship. Conflict can cause intense frustration and a deep desire for disagreements to magically disappear. But, of course, they never do.

It's natural to jump straight into familiar opinions and positions, further entrenching the communication patterns in your brain and leading to more conflict. So, how do we find a new way? Where do we even start in our attempts to unravel the situation? How can we take a step back from the conflict immersion to the wide-view picture?

Well, the first step is not necessarily an obvious one. It doesn’t involve the *issue* itself, at all.

The first step involves you getting clear about *you*.

Our objectives in the midst of conflict can vary widely.

• Is reconciliation your goal?

• A restructuring of the relationship?

• Distance from the relationship?

• Ending the relationship?

• Maintaining functional peace in an admittedly difficult relationship?

Determining your objective will dramatically change your approach to resolving your particular conflict.

A secondary factor to consider is the other person’s commitment to resolution.

• How interested are they in resolving this conflict?

• How have they demonstrated their commitment to conflict resolution? (Have they initiated counseling, support groups, mediation, etc?)

• How hard have they attempted to offer potential solutions and problem-solve a compromise?

After encountering repeated conflicts with someone who is unwilling or unable to resolve them, it may be more realistic to shift your focus from resolution to acceptance. Acceptance involves acknowledging the other person's unwillingness or inability to participate in finding a resolution. It can be tough to accept that some people may not be interested in resolving conflicts. If a conflict cannot be mutually resolved, it is important to consider how to best take care of yourself and make realistic decisions moving forward.

Your relationship objectives and honest assessment of the likelihood of resolution will dramatically impact your next decisions. These factors will better inform you of how much effort you would like to spend on this resolution and what type of intervention would work best for you.

Action questions to ask yourself:

• How long have I been trying to resolve this conflict?

• How many methods have I attempted in an effort to resolve this conflict (counseling, support groups, books, legal intervention, etc)?

• How much effort has the other person put into resolving this conflict (are they genuinely interested/invested in resolving)?

• Outside of the specific conflict you are experiencing, are there other concerns that might impact how you approach this resolution?

• Is there any part of you that is in denial about the other person’s interest in coming to a mutual agreement? Or your own interest?

• If you were to be honest about the likelihood (or unlikelihood) of resolving this conflict, how would your future decisions change?

• Where do I really see myself in this relationship? What do I want it to look like? What would a resolution look like?