Updated: Nov 11, 2020
“If I’m careful to choose the right partner, I will never have to divorce.”
“I’m not settling for anything but THE ONE.”
In many ways, we have all set ourselves up for shame, disappointment, and the perception of failure because we have deeply adopted this fantasy.
In the midst of divorce and breakup, these beliefs rear up to haunt us - and to be healed. When divorcing, these same beliefs sound like:
“Where did I go WRONG?”
“How did I not SEE?”
“How was our love not GOOD ENOUGH?”
“If I had been BETTER at choosing, I would not have chosen this marriage and I would not have gotten a divorce.”
“He must not have been THE ONE.”
Or, sometimes even worse - we stay in a toxic marriage, refusing to consider divorce because:
“I just know he’s THE ONE.”
“No matter how bad it gets, we are BOUND.”
“There’s nothing we can’t MAKE work.”
Some women literally go to their grave, sacrificing their very lives for a relationship they believe to be THE ONE.
When staring our past fantasies in the face in contrast to our relationship realities, we interpret our experiences as shame (not good enough), guilt (didn’t choose good enough), and blame (it’s my/your FAULT).
Fantasies aside, the TRUTH is, no matter how much thought, discernment, time, or energy we invest in a relationship, you CANNOT GUARANTEE the future. You CANNOT GUARANTEE the trajectory of another human’s growth. You CANNOT GUARANTEE your continued alignment with another person. You CANNOT even predict YOUR OWN growth and evolution.
BECAUSE LIFE IS CHANGE.
The beauty of a relationship is not requiring a person to STAY THE SAME forever. It is not LOVE to place limits and demands on another person’s choices. LOVE is fully accepting another person’s choices and evolution EVEN IF it no longer aligns with YOURS. LOVE is LETTING GO when your grip impedes another’s desires, longings, and callings.
It’s time we stop telling ourselves we are entitled to another human’s experience because “they promised”. Do we really want manufactured love? Do we really want forced conformity and compromise, even if it’s not what they really want? Can we be honest enough with ourselves to admit when the kindest thing to do is NOT grip harder? Can we be honest with ourselves when a unity is detrimental and UNloving?
The idea of finding THE ONE is comforting because it gives us the illusion we can stop being discerning, that we can guarantee partnership forever, and that we will never have to worry about “our human” ever evolving away from us. But this is FALSE comfort. It is dishonoring to ourselves and to our partners.
True LOVE is a CHOICE, birthed out of DESIRE. It is not a commitment to be guaranteed and forced to be fulfilled.
What if THE ONE is not a person? What if THE ONE is a MOMENT, full of honesty and true desire and choice. What if we lived our lives asking ourselves if we were living THE ONE experience and accepted nothing less? What if we were willing to be brave enough to assess our relationships for mutual nourishment, empowerment, and growth? WHAT IF we changed the WHOLE way we decide to view relationships and THE ONE, without the comfortable illusion of a guarantee of “forever”?