Nobody Knew

Updated: Nov 11, 2020

In the past, I have been an excellent secret keeper. I could contain the worst news. I could carry the deepest pain. I could cover up the most horrifying behavior. And I had the BEST poker face. I could muster up the most pleasant and convincing smile. I was talented at keeping everyone believing life was good, relationships were more than fine, and I was happy.

Yet, I was DROWNING.

I was lonely.

I was pretending I could live with an alcoholic and absent partner without any negative consequences.

I was dealing with unpredictability - I never knew if I was walking into a warzone when I got home.

I was sleep deprived, often pretending to be asleep when my partner drank away the night, becoming more and more agitated, angry, and loud.

I was ashamed and embarrassed I was tolerating cruel words and cold behavior.

I was anxious because the very place that was supposed to be safest had become the place I needed to be most on guard and prepared to protect myself.

But nobody knew.

Because I smiled.

Because I was successful.

Because I was reassuring.

Because I was LIVING A LIE.