Updated: Nov 11, 2020
In the past, I have been an excellent secret keeper. I could contain the worst news. I could carry the deepest pain. I could cover up the most horrifying behavior. And I had the BEST poker face. I could muster up the most pleasant and convincing smile. I was talented at keeping everyone believing life was good, relationships were more than fine, and I was happy.
Yet, I was DROWNING.
I was lonely.
I was pretending I could live with an alcoholic and absent partner without any negative consequences.
I was dealing with unpredictability - I never knew if I was walking into a warzone when I got home.
I was sleep deprived, often pretending to be asleep when my partner drank away the night, becoming more and more agitated, angry, and loud.
I was ashamed and embarrassed I was tolerating cruel words and cold behavior.
I was anxious because the very place that was supposed to be safest had become the place I needed to be most on guard and prepared to protect myself.
But nobody knew.
Because I smiled.
Because I was successful.
Because I was reassuring.
Because I was LIVING A LIE.
And breaking out of that lie was the most courageous thing I ever did.
Today, transparency is one of my highest values. Never again do I want to live a double life.
Most of you know this last month has been hell for me. It’s been full of change, sorrow, grief. My partner had a major injury and surgery. My 11 year old dog and best friend died suddenly. My business partner has a very bleak cancer prognosis. My little kitten is sick.
I have been full of grief. I have felt lonely. I have felt depleted. I have felt the heaviness of sorrow. Even my body feels the impact. There are days I am just not ok.
Today, it feels good to not have to keep up an appearance. I don’t have to pretend I have it all together. I don’t have to mask grief or pain. I don’t have to fake positivity when my heart is just heavy.
It feels good to be transparent. It feels good to be honest. It feels good to tell my life how it is without apology.
Bad days come and go. The sun will shine in my heart in many more days to come. But we get to honestly and fully acknowledge the days that don’t feel good. Because they tell us something. They teach us. They beg for change. They inform us of necessary endings. They shift us in new directions, full of life.
There is no shame in welcoming ALL the feelings. When you free yourself to be real and true and honest, you free everyone around you to be real. And that is true connection. <3