Violence is Not Unpredictable

We like to think red flags are mysterious. Hard to spot until it’s too late. Evasive.

I disagree.

I used to believe I “couldn’t know” if someone was trustworthy or safe, without eventually getting burned really badly. I would spiral into very volatile and dangerous situations and then scratch my head, wondering how things went wrong.

I eventually got bitter thinking of love and the idea of trusting someone, because, it was just all such an unpredictable mystery.

Or, was it?

When I look back at my most damaging relationships, there were MANY red flags. There were red flags I suppressed and pushed away. Ignored. Denied. When I am honest, I have to admit I did EVERYTHING I could to NOT see the red flags, because I didn’t WANT to.

I didn’t want to admit the “short relapse” was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the pressured quick pace of the relationship was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the inability to be flexible was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the gun and defense obsession was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the hostility toward ex partners was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the blaming and lack of responsibility was a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the warnings from his friends were a big deal.

I didn’t want to admit the temper tantrums were a big deal.

But they were.

I thought he just needed to be loved better.

I thought he just needed to be understood better.

I thought it wasn’t really that bad.

I down played and minimized.

Fast forward a few months and the red flags got louder…

I didn’t want to admit the drinking was dangerous.

I didn’t want to admit the ring he insisted I wear felt heavy.

I didn’t want to admit the derogatory remarks toward some women were alarming.

I didn’t want to admit the hateful comments toward certain groups of people were really troublesome.

I didn’t want to admit the guns started to scare me.

I didn’t want to admit the bullet holes in the walls terrified me.

I didn’t want to admit the irrationally angry arguments were too embarrassing to talk about.

And a few years later…

I didn’t want to admit the drug use was life threatening for both of us.

I didn’t want to admit the bullet he kept in case I cheated gave me chills.

I didn’t want to admit the self inflicted bullet wounds were horrifying.

I didn’t want to admit the russian roulette stopped my heart.

I didn’t want to admit the persistent disregard of my boundaries felt unstoppable.

I didn’t want to admit the barrage of threats to ruin me financially or legally felt tangible.

I didn’t want to admit the threats to harm himself and blame it on me if I called the police felt paralyzing.

I didn’t want to admit the attempts to stalk and follow me were not funny.

THERE WERE FLAGS AND SIGNS EVERY STEP OF THE WAY.

It was me who refused to listen. Because I didn’t WANT to see. I didn’t WANT to know.

SAFETY IS NOT MYSTERIOUS.

Red flags are not hidden.

Violence is not unpredictable.

What is it you don’t want to see? What is it you don’t want to know? It is in what you DON’T WANT TO KNOW that your freedom lies. You’ve got this Goddess. <3

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