Updated: Nov 11, 2020
"But he’s sick.”
“He just isn’t capable.”
Day in and day out, I watch women lower their standards. I watch them justify disrespect. I watch them make excuses for their partners.
They tell me their partners are incapable of respecting basic boundaries because they are addicted to substances, have a mental illness, are traumatized, or disadvantaged.
So, what’s a woman to do with a partner she truly believes is incapable of being in a relationship without being verbally abusive, dismissive, demeaning, irresponsible, dishonest, disloyal, and destructive?
I used to live this dilemma. I was a sucker for wounded partners. I chose into partnerships that were incapable of meeting my needs and then felt sorry for myself because of all the deprivation I experienced.
I couldn’t let go because I told myself it was wrong to leave a partner who was sick. If they really COULDN’T treat me well, then who was I to hold them to that standard? Wasn’t that really mean of me to have requirements they would fail at anyway?
So, I just had really low standards. I just settled for what I thought he was capable of, instead of what I knew I deserved.
I told myself that maybe SOMEDAY he would get better. SOMEDAY, he would recover, have interest in therapy and communication and partnership. SOMEDAY, he would not be totally preoccupied with his own wounds and trials and ways people had wronged him. SOMEDAY, I would not be the center of his blame and misplaced anger.
There was always the next hope - the next thing I thought would finally be the event that would make him see and bring him healing.
While I waited, I worked tirelessly on myself, thinking my own recovery would give him a better shot. I hired coaches, rigorously worked my own recovery program, got a sponsor, went to counseling, read books, and did every self improvement thing imaginable.
But it never worked. I waited years. And I was still in the same dilemma. Telling myself I could tolerate a little more disrespect for a little while longer - because it was JUST UNTIL he got better. JUST UNTIL he learned better.
After my toxic marriage got so painful it was clear I could not continue waiting while at the same time care for my basic needs, I got the opportunity to look at this painful pattern.
Telling myself I was worthy of respect and standards SOMEDAY meant never actually having them. Telling myself I could WAIT to have standards meant I was willing to SETTLE for LESS right now.
Love, just because someone is sick doesn’t mean they get to say hurtful things to you. It doesn’t mean they get to lie to you, manipulate you, demean you, and dishonor you. Their suffering and sickness does not entitle them to a lesser degree of respect for you.
YOUR CONTINUING TO SUFFER AS A RESULT OF SOMEONE ELSE’S SICKNESS DOES NOT HELP THEM.
Goddess, what honors you, honors everyone. The most loving thing is honoring your own standards (they’re not too high) and releasing everyone with love who does not offer that level of respect.
Your love is unconditional but your presence is not!
OWN YOUR STANDARDS LIKE THE GODDESS YOU ARE.