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Love Cannot Justify Abuse

Updated: Jan 9, 2022

“Why on earth would you stay in such a toxic relationship?” “I just don’t understand why someone would allow another person to speak to them that way.” “It couldn’t have been that bad. She seemed so happy.” “I would never allow someone to treat me like that.” “He’s such a nice person. He would never be cruel like that.” 💔 How does abuse happen? Why is it allowed to continue? Here’s the deal - we often justify the shadow side with someone’s light side. 🌧✨ There’s no such thing as a purely evil person. People are complex. Some of the scariest people that existed in history were known as friendly, kind, and intelligent. And on the flip side, some of the people most known for their generosity, empathy, and impact, have been found out to have some deep, dark, ugly secrets. We are a blend of light and shadow. 💖All of us. 💖 When we fall deeply in love with someone’s light side, it can be easy to use that love to excuse some completely unacceptable behavior. In intimate relationships, we get to see both the light and shadow sides of our partner. Often, there is an unspoken rule to keep all the shadow stuff secret. This is why it can be such a surprise when we find out an acquaintance just got arrested for child pornography, domestic abuse, violence, sexual assault, DUI’s, etc… it’s the shadow we all try to keep hidden. Until we can’t anymore. 👀 I was deeply entrenched in a relationship with a man I loved DEARLY. He had a bright light side. We had so much FUN. We loved DEEPLY. I was adored and admired. I was given many gifts. There was PASSION and PLAY. We wrote many love letters. We adventured together. I traveled the world. I poured my heart into my perfect home and garden. 💖💋💑 AND I suppressed so much shadow. I never spoke about the tears I shed when he was too drunk to eat the dinner I made or watch the special movie I picked out. I never shared the loneliness I felt when I layed in bed alone at night. I hid the fear I felt when life was so very unpredictable. I shoved the shame away when I allowed painful words and cruel threats to drown my evenings. I buried the pain of betrayal when he would abandon our relationship for booze and drugs, the all powerful mistress. 😢⛈⛓🤐💔 Why? “We love each other so much.” “No one would understand.” “He treats me like a queen most of the time.” “This is just a phase and everything will go back to normal.” I allowed my love of his light side to excuse so many levels of unacceptable behavior. I have been challenged to a new level of honoring my own worth. I can deeply love and fully appreciate someone’s light side, without excusing behavior that dishonors me or my values. I can unconditionally love someone, without that love entitling them to my space. I can unconditionally love someone, without betraying myself. ✨💪👣👁💖 The love we hold for anyone’s bright light side does not justify abuse, mistreatment, or dishonoring of any kind. We get to hold new levels of honor and boundaries. Have you been tolerating unacceptable behavior because of the love you hold for someone? Are you allowing someone’s good qualities to be an excuse for their shadow?

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© 2015 by Jillian Aurora


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