Updated: Nov 8, 2020
Trauma is such a funny thing. As soon as you think you’re through it, it’s just getting started. I’ve gained so much momentum this year. I feel powerful. I feel centered. I feel grounded. I have kicked some serious ass and have OWNED this last year. And. Sometimes emotions hit me OUT OF NOWHERE. Memories flood in. Pain and fear and betrayal are vivid. I recently intentionally sought out literature and resources, both empowering me and informing me, as well as triggering me and opening deep wounds. It’s given me a strange mix of emotions. I feel passionate. So many things are more clear than they ever have been. And I feel sad for the girl in me who got hurt. Part of me wants to shove it down. Deny it. I tell myself I’m stronger than that. I just want it to be over. I mean it’s been over a year I’ve been out of that environment, so why would I feel it now? But, as the numbness wears off, I realize the powerful strength of denial and minimizing and justifying kept me safe. Sometimes, I just wish I was able to leave it alone. To stop revisiting. To stop being curious. To stop researching and trying to understand. But it’s how I am built. I don’t just walk away from shit. So, as I am uncovering all these wounds and exploring my insides, I feel raw. The most bizzare things bother me and bring floods of tears. I realize there are wounds I cannot just pretend are healed. I want to push away and sabotage when I feel scared. Overreaction seems normal and reasonable sometimes. I realize I find an overwhelming amount of comfort in controlling my home and surroundings. Normal consumption of alcohol around me is grating and triggering and scary. Receiving happiness and love feels unsafe. Sometimes, I feel like a child who is breaking the rules and is going to get in trouble. Listening to the girl in old audio clips and journal entries is tough. I struggle to love her when she betrayed herself without a fight. Sometimes, I am afraid of her.. It’s hard to realize my sensitivity impacts other people. It’s difficult to find a place of grace in my heart for my messy wounds. It’s challenging to allow my current sensitivities to be my “normal”. Even if it takes time to heal. Even if it’s inconvenient. It’s uncomfortable to let myself honor what I need, even when it feels ridiculous. I realize this journey of healing requires me to acknowledge all the sides of me. I am a badass warrior. I am incredibly strong and independent and motivated and driven. And I am a fragile, sensitive creature, who crumbles and cries and doubts everything. So, I will adjust my crown like the queen I am - fragile and strong. Sensitive and dangerous. Goddess and Warrior.