Updated: Nov 8, 2020
I remember feeling utterly trapped. Nights were awful. I considered a night good when I was able to sleep through the night without being woken up by the startling noises, clumsy banging, or inconsiderate lights, that were the result of drunkenness. Or worse, startled awake by name calling and cruel words.
Life at home had become unpredictable. I walked on eggshells, always trying to anticipate the next mood shift. I couldn’t wait to leave in the morning, for the peace of the gym. I felt like I had a house, but not a home - certainly not the sanctuary it was in past memories.
So why didn’t I get the hell out?
What held me back?
My number one BIGGEST FEAR was this:
WHAT IF I CAN’T SUPPORT MYSELF FINANCIALLY?
As loud as this voice was in my own head, it was reinforced by the intimate voice I allowed in my space.
“You’ve worked hard your whole life and you’re still in a dead end job. You’ll always struggle to barely make ends meet.”
“You have a degree - what has that gotten you? What a joke.”
“You’ve had your business for 5 years and I’ve watched you get nowhere, yet you’re working ALL the time.”
“You paid off $30,000 in three years. Do you actually think that would have happened without me?”
“You were swimming in debt when I met you. Go ahead and leave. See what happens.”
“Before me, you never went on trips. You never did anything but stress. Is that what you really want again?”
“You might as well stay with me because you’ll only find another alcoholic who will take advantage of you.”
“You’ll never leave me. You need me too much.”
I felt so defeated. So trapped. How was I here?
I lived in a home I did not own and I had no rights to fight for.
I had been stockpiling some savings, but they felt so small and insignificant.
Much of my standard of living was dependent on my partner - I had a large garden, I had decent work life balance, I traveled the world.
I was terrified of losing what I had and I was so scared my partner was right - I couldn’t keep up with my own needs.
I had allowed myself to get backed into a corner. I was the frog, who had started in a cozy warm pot and was now boiling.
In the beginning, I was complimented and celebrated. I was reassured I could trust. I was promised forevers. I was vowed security and protection. I was adored and acknowledged. I was with a chivalrous man who pay for dates and dinners and vacations.
So, I ever so slowly gave up my power. I allowed myself to become more and more dependent. I moved into a space and created a home, where I had no true ownership. More and more things were shared. He used my credit, because he had none. More and more conversations involved how we could use my savings for our collective use.
And then. BOOM.
It was twisted and used against me.
Gotcha now bitch.
When I finally left, I JUMPED with so many insecurities and unknowns.
But it never had to be that way.
WHEN LOVE ISN’T A CHOICE, IT’S NOT LOVE.
Having financial independence ensures CHOICE. Instead of force. Instead of manipulation. Instead of staying because you feel TRAPPED.
Don’t lose your independence girl, no matter how cozy that pot of water feels.
Your independence is honoring to yourself and to your partnership.
Even if they act offended.
Even if they do their best to convince you.
A loving partner will also respect and value your independence and personal power.
Anger, threats, manipulation, protests, and resistance to you maintaining your own financial power and ownership of your own things, are all RED FLAGS.
You’re a GODDESS, love. Own it. The Goddess is cherished, adored, and RESPECTED for her power and strength and wisdom.