Updated: Nov 8, 2020
My misunderstanding of this concept has caused some of the most painful experiences of my life. What I thought it was. What I thought it wasn’t.
Ironically, the idea of “Unconditional Love” fucked me the hell up.
It was the weapon I used to beat myself up.
It was the justification I used to betray myself.
It was the excuse I used to stay in horribly dishonoring situations.
I was tortured by the idea of abandoning someone, disappointing someone, letting someone down, or failing to overlook someone else’s weaknesses - because that’s not “Unconditionally Loving”.
Here’s where I was all twisted up… I thought Unconditional Love meant complete unconditional tolerance of those I loved. I thought Unconditional Love meant having compassion for others’ shadow/illness/wounds and “sticking it out” with them. I thought it meant allowing all kinds of unacceptable behavior in my space. I thought it entitled people to my time, energy, and resources.
Unconditional Love is NOT tolerating someone’s blatant disregard for your needs.
Unconditional Love is NOT compromising your own needs for someone else’s needs.
Unconditional Love is NOT allowing abuse or harm due to your compassion for someone’s physical or mental illness, substance addictions, or past trauma.
Unconditional Love is NOT tolerating behavior out of alignment with your values.
Unconditional Love is NOT allowing physical, mental, emotional, social, or financial harm to continue, even when someone repeatedly says they will change.
Unconditional Love is NOT giving unconditional access to your time, space, energy, and resources.
Unconditional Love is NOT loyalty to someone, no matter their behavior.
UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS BEING IN FULL ACKNOWLEDGEMENT AND ACCEPTANCE OF EVERY PERSON THE WAY THEY ARE - THEIR LIGHT AND THEIR SHADOW. IT IS RECOGNIZING OUR EQUAL HUMANITY AND POWER.
When I am most fully aligned with Love, I HONOR myself. I HONOR my values. I HONOR others.
This means, I can sometimes love someone best, without giving them access to my space. I can sometimes love someone best, without sharing my time. I can sometimes love someone best, without sharing my attention, money, or resources.
I can sometimes love someone best, WITHOUT SHARING MYSELF.
Today, I am able to hold a much more constant, deeper, and unconditional love FOR ALL HUMAN BEINGS, without compromising myself, my boundaries, or my values.
Stop settling out to a twisted view of Unconditional Love and using it as a weapon against yourself. What honors you, honors everyone.